Milestones

Today was a milestone for our little family, and while it didn't have to do with CANcer directly, once CANcer has touched your family, you know that in some way, most things have to do with it pretty much forever.

Today we closed on a cute little house in downtown Bentonville.  It isn't much to look at right now, but we have big plans.  Plans for our new home.  Plans to tear down the little house that sits there in ruins and build something beautiful.  Plans for a home without any memories of CANcer treatments inside of it.  Plans that give us hope for the future.  Future.  That has been a bit of a scary word for a while. I remember during Allen's treatments, unpacking holiday decorations and wondering what the next holiday would be like. Heck, some days I wondered what the next week would be like.  But, now we are ready to face that word.  To look years down the road at what we could build together, just how we want it, for our little family.  Because CANcer doesn't stop you living.

Whether we want to admit it or not, CANcer has changed our family in many ways.  But, what it has given us more than anything, is appreciation--appreciation for every day that we have together as a family.  It has allowed us to step back and feel grateful each night Allen is able to give the kids a bath, put them in their pjs, and send them upstairs to bed.  Appreciation for the opportunity to take our kids on fun, family trips where there is no work and no email, just us and them having fun, spending time together, and making memories.  Appreciation for each birthday we are able to celebrate together, each anniversary we are able to mark, and every one of the baby's "firsts" we have marveled over this past year. It has taught us that the every day milestones are just as important as the big ones, and sometimes even more.

   

CANcer FREE!

Allen's scans show that he is still CANcer FREE!! Check out the beautiful picture:

I am sure to most of you it looks like a bunch of black and white blobs, but let me give you the lay of the land... the picture on the right is Allen's first CT scan.  Imagine if Allen had a flip top head and you flipped it back and were looking down into his chest.  The two big circles are his lungs; the black inside is where the air is, and all the white and gray is CANcer and fluid.  It is still hard to believe how big his mass was, and we didn't even know it was in there! That's what he gets for being in amazing physical shape! The picture on the left is the scan from this week.  Check out all the black inside his lungs! And, so much of the mass has shriveled up!! The Ninja said that the mass has continued to shrink after radiation, and it might get even smaller as time passes.

Take THAT CANcer! When we were looking at the scans with The Ninja, I noticed the dates in the upper corners. The scans were taken almost a year apart TO THE DAY! After we left the office, I just couldn't shake that crazy coincidence (and I don't believe in coincidences).  I thought a lot about how much easier the last year would have been if we have known as we sat, scared to death, in The Ninja's office looking at Allen's first scans that a year later we would be sitting in his office looking at CANcer free scans.  How it would have been a little more bearable for Allen to endure the endless chemo sessions and other procedures; how there might have not been as many sleepless nights; and, how together, we could have enjoyed the pregnancy more. But, then I remembered a quote that I had seen:

We met so many amazing people along this journey, leaned on people we didn't even know before Allen's diagnosis, friends became family, and our little family of five became stronger than I ever imagined.  The struggle is what made us grow.  A Hodgkin's survivor told Allen in the beginning of all of this that "CANcer would be the worst and the best thing that ever happened to him."  I had no idea how CANcer could ever be the best thing that could ever happen to my husband.  I HATED CANcer, and I still do.  But, now I understand what he meant.  

Guest Post - What a Difference a Year Makes!

Tonight I thought I would give Leah a break and take a moment to reflect on the roller coaster ride the last year has been...  in full disclosure, she is the English major, so this post will probably be much less eloquent.  ;)

I never ever expected to be writing a blog post on my battle with CANcer, much less, this early in my life... although the last year has been brutal, I have grown a lot and conquered a few fears along the way. 

First, I am less afraid of needles (but not much).  Now, you won't find me hanging out at the blood bank, but I am much more likely to actually go and get my annual flu shot and may actually get my cholesterol checked on a regular basis... neither of which happened before all of this! 

Second, my kids now think that I am "Iron Man"... how cool is that!?!  Initially, I was hesitant to tell them that I had CANcer, but they have been more encouraging than they will ever know.  I still get goose bumps when I hear Braedyn tell his friends that my daddy went through chemo to get "special powers."  While special powers may be a stretch, I have found an inner strength that is far greater than I ever knew.    

Lastly (and most importantly), my priorities are a lot clearer.  Fighting CANcer allowed me to do a lot of (overdue) "soul searching" and for that I am actually grateful.  My work/life balance is great and my triathlon training is better than ever.  Leah is (not really) loving my latest idea of signing both of us up for a Half Ironman!
   
So, what a difference a year makes... a year ago, I wasn't sure if my life was over, but now I feel more "alive" than ever!  Thank you all so much for your support, encouragement, and motivation over the last 12 months... it takes a village to beat CANcer, and together we can do this! 

I am off to brave the barium on Wednesday and then on to see The Ninja on Friday... hoping for a "clean" report!

Allen

Bye-Bye Port!

Monday Allen had his port REMOVED!  If you have followed this blog you know the port has caused Allen so many problems--everything from the tube coming out, requiring a second surgery, to making him contort into crazy positions for four hours while he received his chemo treatments.  Needless to say, we are beyond thrilled to have it GONE! Removing the port also signals the last step in returning back to normal.  No more chemo, no more radiation, no more annoying port in his chest!

Next up is Allen's first check up with both The Radiator and The CANcer Ninja.  Both are scheduled for the first week in July.  We are hoping for fabulous reports from both doctors, so we can celebrate BIG with some major fireworks on the 4th!

Relay for Life

Last Friday we had the awesome experience of attending Relay for Life! It raises money for CANcer research while celebrating survivors and their caregivers.  Of course the kids needed shirts to celebrate their Daddy:

When we arrived, the first thing we saw was this awesome message - "HOPE!" 

They had boards for survivors to sign showing the number of years they have been CANcer FREE.  It was great to see Allen sign that board.  Can't wait until he can sign the 20 years plus board!

Then, all the survivors walk a lap by themselves while we clapped and cheered for them.  It was great! Check out Allen carrying the banner!

After the first lap, the caregivers got to join in.  A BIG thanks to Uncle David and Aunt Emily for joining in on the fun! (Emily is taking the picture.)

Next up was dinner! It was a gorgeous evening, so we all enjoyed sitting outside, relaxing, and just being together.

I had to get a shot of the kiddos with their Daddy.  Check out that attitude from Brookelyn! 

Relay for Life allows you to honor people who have fought CANcer with luminaries.  Even cooler, they let you decorate them.  Here are the kids decorating a luminary for Daddy:

It turned out beautifully!

Once it is dark, everyone does a lap looking at the luminaries.  It was a time to reflect on the journey that has brought us here.  What a wild and crazy journey it has been.  

We can't wait for next year's Relay for Life.  Team ALL-EN has big plans to form a team and participate in all the overnight events!

Dancing in the Rain

With a new baby, I find myself up at all hours of the night and early morning feeding, rocking, and changing diapers.  Often, I surf the Internet on my iPhone (really, what did people do before the iPhone).  One night I came across the blog of a mommy with a chronically ill child.  She writes that the best advice someone gave her to was to remember, "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain."  

Even writing that sentence, I get goosebumps.  We have lived through a nine month long storm.  A storm that neither Allen nor I ever expected to have to weather in our early thirties with two young children and one on the way. A storm that taught us so much about ourselves as individuals, as parents, and as a couple.  A storm that showed us how much we are truly loved by our friends and family.

Looking back, there were definitely times I wanted to curl up and wait "for the storm to pass," and it is those times that Allen, or the kids, or the little baby in my belly reminded me how important it was to keep "dancing" - to be thankful for each day we had together and enjoy the things I might have taken for granted before.  Because getting caught up in the thunder and lightning does nothing but make you miserable.

Dancing in the rain isn't easy.  But, I definitely had some amazing teachers.

The CANcer Ninja literally kept both Allen and I sane throughout all the chemotherapy treatments.  While we dreaded every other Friday's treatments, we always looked forward to seeing him.  He would come in the room smiling, knowing we probably had some long list of crazy questions to ask him that would take up way too much of his precious time, but he never seemed to mind.  And, that meant so much.  We always left that room feeling confident that Allen would beat this stupid CANcer. Thank you CANcer Ninja for the strength you gave me that allowed me to dance in the rain.

My CANcer friends - friends who have been through the CANcer storm themselves or with a loved one - were the most amazing role models and always knew just the perfect words to say at the perfect time.  You were there to love on our kids like they were your own while Allen had surgeries or doctors appointments or treatments, and you never even hesitated when I asked you again and again.  You were there to send me text messages every day just to check in on us and make sure we were doing ok and to send Allen encouraging notes on the days he had chemo, and you never forgot, not even once.  You were there to listen to my updates because some days just talking about something that I could wrap my mind around, like a procedure or appointment was so important, because CANcer is just something I couldn't seem to grasp.  Thank you CANcer friends for the love you gave me that allowed me to dance in the rain.

Our families went above and beyond to make life as easy as it possibly could be with two young kids, a hormonal pregnant woman, and a Daddy fighting CANcer.  Thank you for dropping everything to fly to Arkansas and take care of the kids for weeks at a time while Allen and I navigated through the early days of his diagnosis.  And for staying "on call" for nine months while we weathered the storm.  The nights you watched the kiddos so Allen and I could have some quiet time just to breathe meant more than you will ever know.  And seeing Brookelyn's and Braedyn's smiling faces as they came back home allowed me to enjoy those nights, just knowing they were being spoiled in a way that let them too to forget about washing hands and germs and their Daddy being sick. Thank you to our families for the peace you gave me that allowed me to dance in the rain.

It was a Saturday when the ER doctor on call told me my young, healthy, triathlete husband had CANcer.  Sunday was a really hard day.  Monday was tough too, waiting to see the doctors on Tuesday and start the diagnosis process. Tuesday I remember standing the in driveway waving to Brookelyn as she left for school and Allen coming out to wave too.  When we looked up we saw the most beautiful double rainbow in the sky.  I hadn't seen a rainbow in a really long time, and I told Allen that I knew that it was a sign things were going to be ok.  Throughout this storm I have often thought of that rainbow.  I am not a believer in coincidences.  A rainbow, you know comes after the rain.  But, in this case I think it was sent before, just to remind us to hold on through this, the toughest storm we had faced, to dance in the rain, even when we were scared or exhausted because the clouds really do always clear.  Allen's last treatment is tomorrow, and I have a feeling we might just see a rainbow really soon!

Radiation Begins!

Today marks Allen's 7th radiation treatment.  7 down, 10 to go...almost halfway there! Last week we met with The Radiator to discuss Allen's "plan of action."  He had consulted with MD Anderson and their knowledge combined with his experience produced a plan that will hopefully minimize the exposure to Allen's heart and lungs.

We have been so thankful for the amazing doctors and staff at Highland's Oncology and feel blessed to have a state of the art facility just a few minutes from our house!  Check out Allen's view each morning:

Once he gets to the center, Allen has to put on a robe and lay on a special body form to put him in just the right position.  The technicians line up the marks on Allen's chest (Braedyn call's Daddy's marks the "treasure map" because there are a lot of black lines and red "x's") and then x-ray him to make sure he laying perfectly.  Then, Allen receives his radiation dosage to the specified areas.  The whole process takes about 15 minutes or so.  After treatment, Allen is off to the office and his normal daily routines.  So far, he hasn't had any side effects, and he has been able to run and bike like before diagnosis.  The treatments do compromise his immune system, but it isn't nearly to the extent that chemo affected him.  

In a couple of weeks Allen will be finished with his treatments and will start the follow up process of seeing The Ninja every three months (Allen's first appointment is July 3rd) with scans every other appointment.  The risk of reoccurrence goes down after two years of clean scans, and Allen will be considered "cured" after five years of clean scans.  We can't wait to get the official "cured" stamp, but in the meantime we will just enjoy having Daddy healthy!